Well, my daughter's home from her surgery, and all went well. It is truly amazing what doctors can do now--a laser instead of a knife, an outpatient procedure instead of a week in the hospital. She's still speaking a little, and not in too much discomfort for what she's just been through.
My mother is still in the hospital. She has some kind of an intestinal blockage, and they've been pumping out her stomach, and are talking about one day's worth of dialysis to rid her body of some of the toxins. Her kidneys are functioning better now. She's spoken some 3-4 word sentences. A couple of weeks ago she and I could talk each others' ears off--her mind functions just fine.
It's been hard for me, not being able to go in to visit her, especially when she ended up in the ICU. There was just no way for me to drive up there.
It's a completely unfamiliar part of town, six or eight unfamiliar roads, and a sprawling hospital campus. And I wouldn't be able to walk more than perhaps a half mile in this cold, after which I would probably be unable to walk through a building. I'm glad my kids are old enough to help with the chores--hauling firewood, taking the dumpsters to the road and back, getting the mail, and even feeding and watering the birds when I can't.
And now I'm stuck at home for the rest of the week. I'm not physically up to going anywhere anyway. And I had a little bit of a setback this morning, which I am now recovering from. Nothing too scary, just the normal ups and downs I always have when I'm sick. I've been tapering off the prednisone, which may very well result in me eventually getting sick all over again. Doctors just can't understand why I can't simply take my prednisone and recover on schedule. A tapering-off week and a half of prednisone ought to fix me right up. And my inhaler is mostly empty now.
Perhaps next week I'll take one trip out and go to the doctor. And I may try my hand at having groceries delivered, because I'm definitely not up to that.
I like to think I can tough it out and go back to normal, but I can't. I have been lucky enough to be able to play a lot of piano--yesterday I was really able to play, as opposed to the one-piece-at-a-time-followed-by-total-exhaustion of the day before. I've looked at the nocturne I finished before Christmas and decided to revamp parts of it and flesh it out some more. I'm pretty happy with this piece. And I've been able to at least be useful as a homemaker again. I've done a fair amount of light cleaning. And we've finally resumed homeschooling today. Reading spelling words for a spelling test out loud was difficult. That's where my breathing is at today.
It's been difficult for me to accept that I'm just not going to be able to be there for my parents. And even if my health were perfect, and my daughter was well enough to be left home alone, I still couldn't go--not without a chauffeur. I've mostly succeeded in not worrying about what other people must think about me--that my mother is in the hospital and I haven't even visited. Most of the people that would think that way aren't part of my life, anyway, if only because my lopsided brain and this disease have robbed me of those relationships. One cousin did call yesterday. After I got off the phone, I wondered if she believed I was really sick. It's hard not to wonder when it's happened so many times with so many people.
I've been reading a fascinating book about Taoism. It's made me think--among other things, about the difference between wanting what I want for it's own sake, or wanting what I think other people want me to want. These days I have to mostly focus on what I want, because I can't have those other things anyway. I want to visit my mother, but I don't have to care if other people want me to visit her. Of course, sometimes I still do.
My religion these days has turned inward. I think more about my relationship to the universe, and less about finding a community of like-minded people. My life has turned inward. I compose music to please my own tastes, read what I choose to read instead of what other people would approve of. In some ways I'm lucky--it's not something that a lot of people have the leisure to do, composing songs and reading books and contemplating the universe.
No comments:
Post a Comment