Saturday, January 5, 2013

Has Anybody Seen My Will to Live?

Well, it's been a little while since I've written.  I've been kind of depressed lately.  Stopped playing the piano, even--I really do know better than that.  No wonder why I've been a bit down, though--my only friend suddenly up and leaving me, the ongoing Social Security nightmare, crappy weather that keeps me cooped up indoors a lot, and a couple of serious relationship problems with a couple of close people in my life.  Sorry to disappoint you, but I probably won't be discussing anything all that personal in this public (hey, it's possible somebody could actually read it) forum.  It's one thing for me to 'bare it all'--I won't be baring anybody else's soul, at least not without their permission.  Suffice it to say--I do not like soap operas, and experiencing one in real life is even worse than watching one on TV.

Christmas really sucks when things aren't going well.

At least I got one Christmas wish--I stayed well enough to visit with my sister, niece, and brother-in-law this week.  Until their last day.  Maybe there is a God after all.  We had a lot of fun.  My niece and her cousins (my daughters) and I played a lot of hide and seek.  Best places to hide--in the store room behind boxes (if you can be quiet even when they're convinced you'd have run out when they turned the lights out), and in a closet behind clothes, wearing black pants, with your feet behind a vacuum cleaner.  And I got to spend a lot of time hanging out with some of my favorite people.  We got to eat out a lot (and I haven't even gained weight over the holidays).  And there were even presents--clothes and jewelry and books and gift cards and cash, puzzles and games.  And there was fudge and cookies.

Wednesday morning on the way in I stopped at the dollar store for my week-and-a-half-late every-other-week shopping.  Then Thursday morning I went to the grocery store.  A couple of kids complained--they were already a bit overwhelmed by this week.  But I do like to stay stocked up, just in case....

(bit of foreshadowing here in case you missed it)

And then Friday I got really tired.  I kept trying to play hide and seek--it was my last day to spend with my niece, after all.  I went to Wal-Mart with my daughters and sister.  By the time we went out to eat, I felt like crap.  I am at a point in my life where I can't decide whether to try to keep up the pretense that I'm not really sick, or insist that I am so sick and that people take me seriously, damn it.  So I drank four Mountain Dews, and then I was able to function.  My 13yo wasn't so lucky--she hadn't even eaten anything since breakfast and just laid around on the couch all day.

We drove home after dinner.  The roads were hideous--snow was drifting everywhere.  Somehow we made it--my husband driving one vehicle and me driving the other.  Someone was even stuck in front of our little island.

It was dark outside, and I found myself taking turns (so I wouldn't screw up my back) doing chores and bringing in firewood until bedtime.  I hadn't slept well the night before, and I didn't sleep well last night, either.  Because I was busy getting sicker.

So this morning (after another round of chores on my part, as well as providing each and every single pet with fresh water and plenty of food in case I got even sicker) my husband took me and my 13yo to the ER.  Turns out we have the flu.  But I'm never content to just get the flu.  I've never just had anything in my entire life.  So I am also the proud owner of a double sinus infection, and bit of a double ear infection, and asthma.

Fortunately, the doctor was pretty cool, and I was still healthy enough to advocate for myself.  My daughter and I got to share an ER room.  We even got matching bracelets.  I keep telling her we're a lot alike.  She somehow fails to appreciate this.

Now I've got antibiotics, and an inhaler (which seems to be working a little bit, probably because I didn't wait as long as I normally would to get help (because doctors often like to tell me I'm not sick enough yet when I show up)), and two nasal sprays.  On the way out the door attendant told me to have a good day, and I said, 'probably not'.  I still have my sense of humor.  All is not lost.

My husband said something about lunch out while we waited for prescriptions, but my daughter and I wanted to stay in the car.  And then it dawned on me.

Nobody with the flu would want to eat out.  I have played hide and seek, shopped, eaten out, done chores, hauled wood, and taken care of pets--with the flu, a double sinus/ear infection, and asthma.  I'm so used to keeping going no matter what, I have no concept of what it's like for a normal person to get sick.

And then we finally got home, and....another man down (rather, a woman)--my 16yo has it, too.  When I walked in, I sort of collapsed.  I am done.

The twins will be cooking dinner tonight.  I've always told the girls that if everybody gets sick, whoever's left will be responsible for everything.  This is their golden opportunity to shine.  I'm glad I got the shopping done and tried to keep up the chores this week in spite of being gone most of every day.

Maybe this will give me plenty of time to whine blog.




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