I've thought about posting this week, but with my family in town and all, I never got around to it until yesterday. Well, I'm still sick, so I might be posting a bit more in the near future. Hopefully not too much more, but the way it is with me, I may very well be sitting in this chair with this laptop until spring. Not trying to be pessimistic--that's just the way it often is with me. Last year I was sick for months You can read about it at www.debsisland.blogspot.com. I would if I were you, but then, I'm pretty bored right now.
We're watching 'The Adjustment Bureau' right now. Good movie, seen it before.
I'm worse than I was yesterday. Yesterday I was able to walk into the hospital ER. Today I'd need a wheelchair. My asthma is so bad I haven't been able to do anything except grab a quick breakfast and take my meds. I'm still in my pajamas. My husband took the now-only-remaining-healthy-kid to church this morning. I'll have to ask for lunch when they get back. Food isn't really looking appetizing right now, but I do want to do what I can to stay healthy. That reminds me, I haven't taken my vitamin this morning. It's off in a drawer along with my toothpaste and all those other things I usually use in the morning but haven't today.
Church, that reminds me....I'd given some serious thought to going back to my old blog (debsisland). I finally decided that I really don't give a d*** what anybody thinks. However, my kids are still going to church and having to deal with my in-laws and people in town, so I've decided to keep this the way it is. I'd rather not make waves for them. Odds are, nobody we know will actually find me here. Heck, even total strangers hardly ever find me here. :) I've already given my girls permission (in case they need it) to practice whatever religion they like (or no religion at all).
Church....I've been giving religion some thought lately. I haven't really accomplished anything. I'm not really sure what it is I expect to accomplish. I've studied a bit of Kabbalah, a bit of Wicca, read a lot of different books. I just bought a book on Tao. I haven't found anything that I really want to commit to. What I see is a whole lot of different groups of people giving God (or Goddess, or Gods, or whatever) a whole lot of different names. And then assuming that anybody who calls God a different name is wrong, and possibly even evil. Then they make up a whole lot of rules about how this God requires worship and tribute, and more rules about lots of things people shouldn't do because they might offend this God. And, of course, people in all sorts of desperate (or even not so desperate) situations beg their God for help. Sometimes they get help, sometimes they don't.
Meanwhile, while this God whose name we don't know is busy being worshipped and begged for things and plied with gifts, and possibly (depending on which name of God you subscribe to) meting out rewards and punishments, there is a whole lot of suffering going on.
The whole world is full of suffering. We're born, we get sick and hurt, we lose things and pets and people. One day we die. And the suffering seems to be divvied up pretty unfairly, and according to no particular rhyme or reason. 'Good' people get sick and die. 'Bad' people live long healthy lives. Sometimes I think God's not a very nice person. Of course, I wouldn't want to say that out loud--I might make him mad.
It's not too much to ask--all I want is the reason why we're all here, the meaning of life. The same thing billions of other people want. Reassurance that there is actually somebody (kind-hearted, hopefully) in control, a purpose for the suffering. Some kind of fairness when it's all said and done. I want to know that I have some kind of a soul, and that it will continue after my death. I want to know that some part of me will remember Chopin. I want to meet my first cat again. I want to keep my house on my little island. Of course, I'd rather not relive being sick again, and there are lots of other things I'd rather not spend eternity doing. Being burned in everlasting flames. Getting a root canal. Cleaning the litter box.
It seems to me that a lot of people are in a whole lot of denial. They wake up one morning and realize....'Hey, I'm going to suffer, sooner or later, unpredictably, possibly horribly, and eventually I'm going to lose everyone and everything I care about, and I'm not going to live forever, and I don't know what will happen after I die, and I don't even know what we're all doing here in the first place. So....I'll just go into denial, and I'll pretend I can control God's behavior with bribery, or begging, or flattery, or behaving well enough. I think I'll call God ______ and pretend he looks like ______. There. I feel better now.'
Some people try really hard to be good people while they're worshipping ______. Some of them apparently just pretend to worship ______ because the people around them are, and continue behaving just as they'd like. Maybe it never occurs to most people to give any real thought to their behavior and why they do the things they do, good or bad. After all, that's just going to mess up the denial.
In the absence of religion, there are plenty of other things we can distract ourselves with--food, drugs and alcohol, politics, sex, career, money, sports, Chopin--the list is endless. If you don't think these things are substitutes for religion, try telling somebody who only buys organic food that you're going to eat a twinkie. Or tell someone of either political party that you're a feminist who is against abortion. Violate somebody's expectations about who you'll have sex with. Be a stay-at-home mom without a career. Root for the other team.
Well, only-remaining-healthy-kid is home now, and she's sick. So is my mother. If my husband gets sick, it could all be up to me. I'm sure glad I watered and fed all the pets and hauled firewood before it got this bad.
I've prayed to God--I've prayed before. Begged and pleaded, quite sincerely. But I'm still sick. Can't really blame God for that, can I? Lots of people (of every denomination) get sick. Almost everybody in the room is sick right now. As if that makes it better--well, God isn't just angry at me, he's angry at everybody! And I could always be sicker. I should just be grateful it's not worse, right?
I think I'll go play some more Word Bubble now.
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