Thursday, January 24, 2013

As Happy As I Make Up My Mind to Be

Well, it's been a week since I last blogged.  My mother is in really bad shape.  She went into ICU, and is now on a ventilator.  I haven't felt much like blogging.



I'm still short of breath and coughing.  I've been to the doctor today, and I've been given another nasal cortisone spray (because I asked for it), singulair tablets, and another inhaler.  But my meds were $50 at the pharmacy--even thought they're prophylactic, I probably won't get them refilled.  Maybe I'll have enough to at least make it until spring.

Just walking a few yards from the car to the doctor's office in the cold meant twenty minutes of coughing and breathing hard.

I was glad my husband didn't work today (all right, it's been bitterly cold and he hasn't worked all week).  Having him at the doctor's office meant a second person to convince the nurses and doctor that I'm not a hypochondriac.  And it meant I was assured of not getting lost today.



I've felt a little depressed today--no wonder.  And I've had to ask my father twice now for money to pay bills, or we'd have no phone and soon no van.  And two of my kids have had colds now--if I get this, I'm going to go downhill in a hurry.  At least we've been to the food bank and grocery store.  But I do definitely not want to be housebound with my mother in ICU.  It was bad enough the first week and a half she was in the hospital--I couldn't visit at all.  And I had to rely on my husband to drive me there.  And I had to explain to my father, who asked what I would do in an emergency, that I was going to need help getting there.

And I'm still sick.  Every winter is like this--I get sick, and then I try to catch up on the housework and get supplies, and then I get sick again, and then I try to catch up and get supplies again....

I'm just happy in January if I can play the piano and do housework, even if I can't feed the birds myself or walk to the mailbox.  I can hear myself breathing heavy as I sit here on the computer.



I just spoke to my father, who hadn't eaten dinner tonight--I've been pressurizing him to get a piece of pie or something, and it looks like he's finally going to.  I told him not to make me come up there.  Probably the first time in my life I have parented my father.  And I actually think I could go up there--I've been up there three times now, and I've paid very close attention, and my husband has helped me figure it all out, and he's drawn me a map.  I may very well even be able to find my way home again.  I had to memorize that, too.  My husband has done a good job of learning to help me learn routes, especially considering that his brain works exactly opposite from the way mine does--he does north/south/east/west, I do left/right (badly).  He just knows the lay of the land, I read signs and try to pick out a lone landmark (oh, wait, I know that row of white poles--isn't that the way I go home from the doctor's office?).  And I think my father is coming around, now that my mother's in no condition to be a go-between, and he's had to try to teach me how to get around the hospital.  So far I've gotten 'walk in the front door, lobby with waterfall is on the left, behind that is the cafeteria'.  Nothing wrong with my memory--I remember the floor and room number effortlessly.  I generally rely on passers by in hospitals to find my way--as long as I can encounter enough people with pointer fingers, I'll be all right.  Even if I don't know if it's the same person I asked before....



Meanwhile, I have an upcoming appointment at the Cleveland Clinic in a couple of weeks!  And my Social Security appeal hearing is a month after that.

Our homeschooling schedule has taken a serious hit lately.  After missing a week (which was planned) for my sister's visit, we missed another week for the flu.  Then all these appointments and visits with Mom & Dad.  These things are part of life, though--hopefully my children are learning to cope with adversity.  And the appointments--it may be that at some point my getting Social Security (and then food stamps and such) could allow us to keep our home, which would certainly benefit the children.

My eldest daughter is doing well--she's off most of the pain meds now, and she's even eaten pretzels.  She sounds just like one of the aliens from the movie "Galaxy Quest". lol

One more thing....the food bank.  It's so incredibly helpful right now.  We left with a huge cartful of groceries.  If I ever have money, that's the first cause I'll donate to--we owe them.  But what a grim place.  The people who work there are grim.  The people who are getting help are grim.  They seriously need a morale officer.  I can see how it happens--you're poor, and who knows what else is happening in your life that's contributed to that, and it's depressing.  But at some point along the way I made a decision to not. be. depressed.  Not that I never get depressed.  But I am going to enjoy life when I can.  Although that's been more difficult lately.

I miss talking to my mother.  I miss the lone friend who recently dumped me.  I miss having a church full of people.  I can't help but notice that my husband has dozens of people who are concerned for his well-being because his mother-in-law is in the hospital.  I have almost nobody.  My father and my sister and my husband.  One cousin I hardly ever talk to called last week, and I almost cried because somebody asked how I was doing....



No comments:

Post a Comment