OK, putting the pieces of my life back together, here.
I was really worried last night after I opened our bills. I'd been happy just to discover that between my husband and I we'd put all the mail from the last week in a pile on the piano, so I knew where it all was. But our electric bill was overdue.
We'd applied to this National Guard charity program, and they'd wanted the exact amount on all our bills, and that's the amount they would pay, directly to the payees. Only they never did. And now my mom is in the hospital (yes, she is now an inpatient, and seemed to be doing just a tiny bit better last night). My dad is with her, and my sister is one day behind me in the train wreck that is this flu. So all the people I would normally ask for help were suddenly unavailable.
We also needed ice cream and other foods for my daughter upcoming tonsillectomy Tuesday, and gas for my husband's vehicle, and bird food (although that last would have to go--they're wild birds, and I'd hate to stop feeding them in the middle of winter, but them's the breaks). So I went into my purse this morning for any money whatsoever for gas and such....
....and there was the cash my parents always give us for groceries every other week.
I know my father would not have slipped that into my purse Friday without telling me. He must have told me. But I have no memory of it. And I was out and about Friday. Hell, I even drove Friday. I'm just remembering that now. Horrors. I do remember having four Mountain Dews to keep functioning at the restaurant that night.
Hang on....
I'm reading my blog from this last week.
I drove home in some terrible weather, in the dark, Friday night, too. Wow. Saturday emergency room trip and matching bracelets. Sunday religious musings & pictures of owls & last kid getting sick. Monday ranting about not being taken seriously by doctors when I'm sick. Tuesday Mom & sister getting sick. Yesterday....
Well, I practically had a nervous breakdown trying to get the kids to each do one or two chores and explain to my spouse that he's lucky to have clean clothes in a chair, screw the dirty dishes. I'm not okay this morning. I'm still having trouble breathing and coughing, even just sitting here. Saturday the doctor said my lungs sounded clear, but I can hear my wheezing this morning on and off now that I've improved a bit. I did get all that information for the Cleveland Clinic, and went through our bills, and updated our wall calendar. So it was a reasonably productive day, all things considered.
My sister is one day behind me--she developed a slightly renewed interest in food and the bare basics of personal hygiene yesterday.
I'm not going to be able to go shopping this week. I go every other week, and I'm due. And now we're spending the money on other things, and my daughter will have her surgery, and it'll be the week after next before I can go shopping again (if I don't go and get sick again--what are the odds on that?). It's a darn good thing I keep stocked up. I've felt sorry for my husband having to run all the errands involved in preparing for my daughter's surgery, but then I've realized that I had the shopping and housework all caught up. I try to always be prepared for the next illness. He could be out shopping for sanitary napkins for five women right now, or something. Our lights could have been shut off.
I'm so used to trying to compensate for not being able to pull my own weight in the world that it sometimes doesn't occur to me that what I do--bringing in wood, taking care of pets, doing housework, paperwork, and just generally keeping everything organized and running--is worth something. I find myself defending the necessity of resting for a few days, even while everybody else who has this is resting.
And I've started cleaning up some of the debris around here. I found a small treasure (treasure to me, anyway). A page and a half of the right hand part of a new waltz. I stood there and looked at it. I must have written it, I said to myself. Nobody else here would have. I didn't recognize it until I started humming it to myself. Definitely my work.
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