And the Lawyer has Dumped Me

I went to see the lawyer today.  She was very nice.  She very nicely let me know that she's done with my case.  There just isn't enough evidence that there's enough wrong with me to warrant disability.  I believe she actually felt sorry for me.  She suggested a few things....working from home, for example.  She didn't know how many times I've already looked into that.

You know, if I were actually disabled, there are agencies that would help me find a job.

Anyway, there's a review of the decision, all I have to do is fill out a piece of paper and send it certified mail.  The lawyer said I could also fax it.  I didn't feel like telling her I can't get to anywhere that faxes.  Just didn't feel like explaining it again.  I could also take it to the Social Security office in person.  Can't find that either.  But I filled out the paper and I'll take it to the post office.  It's not as if I have anything to lose.

My husband may have jury duty.  I said something to a relative about being glad it wasn't me, and the response was, why would I be glad, I've been to the courthouse before.

I'm tired of explaining.  I'm tired of trying to make people believe me.  I'm tired of educating people.  Maybe I wouldn't mind so much if more than 1% of them actually learned something.

I'm just going to live to make me happy now.  I'll try to be a good parent, and even a good pet owner.  I care about my household.  But I'm done trying to make people believe me, or make somebody hire me, or convince somebody that they really should like me because I'm a decent human being.

I'm just going to go on pretending everything is fine.

Some days my biggest enemy is loneliness.  Other days it's boredom.  At least the weather is nice here--sunny weather and open windows generally perk me up. 

I think I might be happier not trying to change this situation than beating my head against that wall over and over and over and over and.....

It's fifteen years until early retirement--if I live long enough I'll collect that Social Security eventually.   If my husband were to leave before that, well, I could just go live with my father, or with my sister.  In the city.  I don't at all relish the thought of being stuck indoors all the time.  I spent some of my young adulthood that way, in between failed employment attempts.  But there just isn't any point in thinking about it.

I'm going to have to be pickier about what I think about.

Something's come up a couple of times now, and I've wondered if God (whoever she/he/it is) is trying to tell me something.  It's been about how people in Nazi concentration camps found happiness even in their circumstances.  If they can do it, I ought to be able to.  Maybe God's been telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself.