Saturday, March 23, 2013

I'm back.

Hi.  Sorry I haven't posted lately.

A few days after my last post, my mother passed away.

And I simply haven't wanted to talk about it.  Then I found myself having my usual monthly weekend off (my husband has Guard duty), and for some reason I read a few of my old posts and decided to come back.

I've seriously gotten tired of posting about being sick and filling out paperwork, but I saw that I'd posted a lot of other 'stuff', and a lot that I would like to preserve, if only for my own children or grandchildren some day.  It's also been a good record of my medical problems.

It was a good funeral, if a funeral can be said to be good.  Everything went well.  I got to meet some people I hadn't seen in many years.  My sister did an excellent job of covering for me--I'd been worried about failing to recognize people I was supposed to recognize. (I was kind of dreading it--having to try to function around a bunch of people I'm supposed to know and offending half of them.)  She was great at, "Oh, hi Jane!"  I spent a lot of time near her.

It was actually the most socialization I've had in a long time.

The day my mother died was the worst day of my life so far.  At least I was healthy.  It doesn't help to have to worry about being sick, or recognizing people, or finding the funeral home, while you're dealing with something like this.  And me being more distractable than usual is not a pretty picture.  It takes a fair amount of concentration to be me.  One 'good' thing about having just experienced a death in the family--if you do anything stupid, people just assume you've been overcome with grief and forgive you unconditionally.

And our tax return came just a couple of days before.  It's sad, but I'd been a little worried that none of us had appropriate clothing to wear for a funeral, and that we'd have to ask somebody to give us money so we could buy some.  Not to mention money for gas to drive back and forth to town several times.

It's amazing how having a little money in the bank can make life a little easier to cope with.

And I got to meet my mother's sister, who I haven't met since I was seventeen--thirty years ago.  We really hit it off.  And I learned something--she has what she calls an 'all-faiths' altar at her house.  Somewhat like my (somewhat) jokingly labeled practice of 'Eclecticism' these days.  We had a wonderful time getting to know each other.  She lives far away.  She's just spent the last several years taking care of my grandmother, who recently passed away.

I am now considering an 'all-faiths' altar.

I have to mention the morning after the funeral.  My aunt, my sister and I, and my four daughters and my sister's daughter were at my father's house.  The men had gone to get some things from the funeral home.  It was time to go through my mother's jewelry box.  So my sister set everything out, and we took turns choosing pieces.  My aunt had wanted one piece for her 'altar' (which had prompted me to question her later about her religious practices).  After a few turns, we also let the granddaughters start taking turns.  When it was all gone, my sister actually offered me the jewelry box.  She's going to get it repaired and restored.  I think the main reason she did that was because I still remembered the song it used to play many years ago.  I'm not actually sure that's such an incredible feat--any more than recognizing a cousin you haven't seen in twenty years.  I've been trying to find out what song it was for a while now, with no luck.

It was very much like a second funeral, a religious experience.  People were impressed that my sister and I got along so well.  Really, getting along with her isn't any great accomplishment--it's easy.

I've been talking to my sister and father every day since my mother was in the hospital.  I used to talk to my mother every day.  When you don't have very many people in your life, those few you do have become so very important.  I'm lucky that my immediate family is made up of decent, kind-hearted people.  Everybody isn't that fortunate.



Let's see--I've also been to my Social Security hearing.  It went pretty well.  The lawyer hadn't really expected it to, but the judge did seem to be impressed.  I think I might have somehow managed to come across as credible.  Must have been because I was telling the truth.  Social Security has lost all my records concerning why I was booted off in 2006, which looked kind of funny, too.

Anyway, the judge did treat me with respect.  She did ask me several questions repeatedly, and I'm fairly sure she was trying to 'trip me up'.  Of course, it's easy to keep your story straight when you're telling the truth.  It was as if she was trying to get me to answer differently at one point, and I almost got frustrated, as in, 'no, I told you it was this way.'  I've always admired people who can communicate so well.  She would have been a formidable person to argue with.

The vocational rehabilitation specialist was asked by the judge what kind of jobs I could do, and how many days I could miss.  She seemed to think I would miss too many days if I were working.  I'll have to try not to get my hopes up--I've already referred to this as 'a dress rehearsal for the next hearing'.

It would have been more difficult for me to talk about everything that is 'wrong' with me even a few years ago.  It's still unnerving, being in front of a judge and a court reporter and a vocational rehabilitation specialist.  But I've really been developing an attitude lately about having to apologize for why I am the way I am.  I'm getting to be a lot more likely to declare that I won't attempt to do something that I know is going to be extremely difficult.  I insist that I'm not going to improve any more than I have--and at forty-seven it does indeed seem ridiculous to expect much improvement when I've been trying for so long.  Maybe if I had expert guidance I could improve some.

And, of course, I'd be happy to stop getting sick if I could.  In fact, right now I'm still trying to decide whether or not I'll develop an ear infection (in my left ear as usual) from running errands the other day when it was windy.  Maybe I should root for another infection--the Social Security people would like that.  Anyway, I'm also getting to be a lot more likely to insist that I need to rest, or slow down, when I'm sick.

When I was reading old blog posts yesterday, I came across one from January of this year, where I wrote about coming down with the flu and going to my parents' house, going shopping at Wal-Mart, going out to eat, then driving home (in terrible weather), hauling wood, and then the next day hauling more wood and taking care of all the pets (in case I ended up in the hospital), and then going to the emergency room.  I have to ask myself--am I nuts?  Really?  I had a temp, and this horrible flu, but I just drank four Mountain Dews and kept right on going.  At least until I got back from the ER, when I finally collapsed.

And some people think I'm being lazy when I say I can't go on any more?

And (subject change warning) I was talking to my sister today and remembered an incident that I think helped my husband to understand why I'm struggling with so many neurological issues.

My husband was showing me how to run a new push mower.  He was telling me about the red button on the left of the mower that I was to push several times to prime the engine.  And then he stopped.  And asked me if I was going to look at what he was showing me.  And I said no.  I was concentrating on remembering what he was telling me.  There was no point trying to remember the picture.

Nothing wrong with my memory--I still remember where the button was.  Just don't remember what the mower looked like.  Or my husband.



Well, that's it for now.  We're expecting 4-8 inches of snow tomorrow.  I'll try to blog sooner next time!


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