OK, putting the pieces of my life back together, here.
I was really worried last night after I opened our bills. I'd been happy just to discover that between my husband and I we'd put all the mail from the last week in a pile on the piano, so I knew where it all was. But our electric bill was overdue.
We'd applied to this National Guard charity program, and they'd wanted the exact amount on all our bills, and that's the amount they would pay, directly to the payees. Only they never did. And now my mom is in the hospital (yes, she is now an inpatient, and seemed to be doing just a tiny bit better last night). My dad is with her, and my sister is one day behind me in the train wreck that is this flu. So all the people I would normally ask for help were suddenly unavailable.
We also needed ice cream and other foods for my daughter upcoming tonsillectomy Tuesday, and gas for my husband's vehicle, and bird food (although that last would have to go--they're wild birds, and I'd hate to stop feeding them in the middle of winter, but them's the breaks). So I went into my purse this morning for any money whatsoever for gas and such....
....and there was the cash my parents always give us for groceries every other week.
I know my father would not have slipped that into my purse Friday without telling me. He must have told me. But I have no memory of it. And I was out and about Friday. Hell, I even drove Friday. I'm just remembering that now. Horrors. I do remember having four Mountain Dews to keep functioning at the restaurant that night.
Hang on....
I'm reading my blog from this last week.
I drove home in some terrible weather, in the dark, Friday night, too. Wow. Saturday emergency room trip and matching bracelets. Sunday religious musings & pictures of owls & last kid getting sick. Monday ranting about not being taken seriously by doctors when I'm sick. Tuesday Mom & sister getting sick. Yesterday....
Well, I practically had a nervous breakdown trying to get the kids to each do one or two chores and explain to my spouse that he's lucky to have clean clothes in a chair, screw the dirty dishes. I'm not okay this morning. I'm still having trouble breathing and coughing, even just sitting here. Saturday the doctor said my lungs sounded clear, but I can hear my wheezing this morning on and off now that I've improved a bit. I did get all that information for the Cleveland Clinic, and went through our bills, and updated our wall calendar. So it was a reasonably productive day, all things considered.
My sister is one day behind me--she developed a slightly renewed interest in food and the bare basics of personal hygiene yesterday.
I'm not going to be able to go shopping this week. I go every other week, and I'm due. And now we're spending the money on other things, and my daughter will have her surgery, and it'll be the week after next before I can go shopping again (if I don't go and get sick again--what are the odds on that?). It's a darn good thing I keep stocked up. I've felt sorry for my husband having to run all the errands involved in preparing for my daughter's surgery, but then I've realized that I had the shopping and housework all caught up. I try to always be prepared for the next illness. He could be out shopping for sanitary napkins for five women right now, or something. Our lights could have been shut off.
I'm so used to trying to compensate for not being able to pull my own weight in the world that it sometimes doesn't occur to me that what I do--bringing in wood, taking care of pets, doing housework, paperwork, and just generally keeping everything organized and running--is worth something. I find myself defending the necessity of resting for a few days, even while everybody else who has this is resting.
And I've started cleaning up some of the debris around here. I found a small treasure (treasure to me, anyway). A page and a half of the right hand part of a new waltz. I stood there and looked at it. I must have written it, I said to myself. Nobody else here would have. I didn't recognize it until I started humming it to myself. Definitely my work.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Influenza Day Six
Well, Mom's on the way to the hospital by ambulance. They think she might have pneumonia, which is scary when you're in your late sixties. Mom also has several other health problems, some of which may or may not be associated genetically with some of mine. My father's the only one available to take care of her--there's no way I can help right now.
I've been up for 10-15 minutes three times today so far. I'm still really short of breath, but it's (very) slowly improving. I've been surprised this morning how dizzy I am, though. I'm a morning person, so I generally expect to feel good first thing. Silly me--flu, double sinus and ear infection, severe asthma, and I think after five days I'll just shake it off. At least the sinuses seem to be clearing up pretty well. All those pills and sprays I got Saturday seem to be doing some good. It would be newsworthy if I ever recovered from a sinus infection without medical intervention. And at least I'm not getting up in the middle of the night to use my inhaler now, even if I do run for it first thing in the morning. I'm still a bit breathless on and off just sitting here on the sofa.
My husband put on some spray deodorant this morning and precipitated a several-minutes-long asthma attack. While usually nothing touches my lungs except tobacco, right now any old thing can set me off.
Yesterday I called a doctor to put off an upcoming appointment, and I transcribed an unidentified piece of piano music from youtube. I'm still looking for the composer. Today I called another doctor about my daughter's upcoming tonsillectomy. We may still be able to go with that next week as planned. We've got to get her a blood test beforehand somewhere, with my husband working and my father taking care of my mother. And I'm in contact with the Cleveland Clinic these last couple of days, trying to set up some testing for me before my upcoming Social Security appeal in March. They want a lot of insurance information, so now I'm in contact with Tricare, too. And today I think I'll try to sit down and open the last several days' mail and maybe transfer info from our old wall calendar to the new one and hang it up. Easy stuff.
Maybe tomorrow I'll try to call my old doctors asking (once again) for medical records. My sister has offered to pay, because they all need money. Some of them won't give me anything anyway, but apparently I have a legal right to have them if I ask in writing, so that will be my next step.
Being sick is a lot of work sometimes. Lots of doctors' visits and paperwork. Expensive, too.
I can't call anybody on the phone because the phone isn't reliable, and now our internet is going in and out constantly, so I'd better go while I can still post this.
Bye.
I've been up for 10-15 minutes three times today so far. I'm still really short of breath, but it's (very) slowly improving. I've been surprised this morning how dizzy I am, though. I'm a morning person, so I generally expect to feel good first thing. Silly me--flu, double sinus and ear infection, severe asthma, and I think after five days I'll just shake it off. At least the sinuses seem to be clearing up pretty well. All those pills and sprays I got Saturday seem to be doing some good. It would be newsworthy if I ever recovered from a sinus infection without medical intervention. And at least I'm not getting up in the middle of the night to use my inhaler now, even if I do run for it first thing in the morning. I'm still a bit breathless on and off just sitting here on the sofa.
My husband put on some spray deodorant this morning and precipitated a several-minutes-long asthma attack. While usually nothing touches my lungs except tobacco, right now any old thing can set me off.
Yesterday I called a doctor to put off an upcoming appointment, and I transcribed an unidentified piece of piano music from youtube. I'm still looking for the composer. Today I called another doctor about my daughter's upcoming tonsillectomy. We may still be able to go with that next week as planned. We've got to get her a blood test beforehand somewhere, with my husband working and my father taking care of my mother. And I'm in contact with the Cleveland Clinic these last couple of days, trying to set up some testing for me before my upcoming Social Security appeal in March. They want a lot of insurance information, so now I'm in contact with Tricare, too. And today I think I'll try to sit down and open the last several days' mail and maybe transfer info from our old wall calendar to the new one and hang it up. Easy stuff.
Maybe tomorrow I'll try to call my old doctors asking (once again) for medical records. My sister has offered to pay, because they all need money. Some of them won't give me anything anyway, but apparently I have a legal right to have them if I ask in writing, so that will be my next step.
Being sick is a lot of work sometimes. Lots of doctors' visits and paperwork. Expensive, too.
I can't call anybody on the phone because the phone isn't reliable, and now our internet is going in and out constantly, so I'd better go while I can still post this.
Bye.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Is It Spring Yet?
Feeling a bit better today. My temp's down to 99.1, and I can breath pretty well, as long as I don't try to actually do anything. Every once in a while I get up and do a couple of things, and sit back down. I got to brush my teeth today. I'm glad I can get up. Now I just have to remember not to do very much. Hyperactivity is not my friend right these next few days. I should know this after all these years, but I always seem to forget.
The kids are all doing a bit better, too.
But my mom isn't doing well. She's just gone to the ER with another stroke. I wonder if the flu did it. I wonder if the flu drove her blood pressure up. Mine was up some fifty points in the ER--more than I usually get from the stress of having to deal with doctors.
I'm waiting by the phone for news about Mom.
My sister's sick too--she's taken the rest of this week off work already, and she wouldn't do that unless she were really sick.
The incubation period for the flu is 1-4 days. One daughter and I got it on the same day. We could have gotten this when we all went out to eat together one night last week.
Sometimes I think I should stay home from about December to March. Some day when I'm old and living alone, I'm going to give it serious consideration. Stock up on supplies and just hunker down until spring.
Mom would enjoy that--hunkering down 'til spring I mean, not my months-long disappearance. Anyway, we'd still have the phone, so we could talk to each other.
I hope she's okay.
The kids are all doing a bit better, too.
But my mom isn't doing well. She's just gone to the ER with another stroke. I wonder if the flu did it. I wonder if the flu drove her blood pressure up. Mine was up some fifty points in the ER--more than I usually get from the stress of having to deal with doctors.
I'm waiting by the phone for news about Mom.
My sister's sick too--she's taken the rest of this week off work already, and she wouldn't do that unless she were really sick.
The incubation period for the flu is 1-4 days. One daughter and I got it on the same day. We could have gotten this when we all went out to eat together one night last week.
Sometimes I think I should stay home from about December to March. Some day when I'm old and living alone, I'm going to give it serious consideration. Stock up on supplies and just hunker down until spring.
Mom would enjoy that--hunkering down 'til spring I mean, not my months-long disappearance. Anyway, we'd still have the phone, so we could talk to each other.
I hope she's okay.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Doctors, Not Patients, Need to Take Out-of-Control Asthma Seriously
Still can't breathe. My husband called the doctor from work today. No way for me to go in with four sick kids and nobody to watch them. They're too sick to even dress themselves so they can go somewhere, and the only person I know who could watch them (my parents)--well, my mom has the flu now, too. If my husband takes care of them, there's nobody to take me to the doctor. Ack. And the reason my husband called the doctor instead of me? Because they tend to take him seriously. It's not as if I have a history of calling these people and then having nothing wrong with me, but over the years, whatever doctor I have, it's the same thing--just wait, you just have a cold, there isn't anything else we can do.
They're probably going to prescribe me prednisone--probably eke it out 20mg at a time. I'm past the point of that doing much good now.
We've talked about getting somebody from my husband's church or the lodge or something to take me to the doctor. But the doctor is only open while my husband is at work--once again, who will keep an eye on the kids? We had this all worked out, so I would be able to go to the doctor, but we didn't count on everybody I know getting sick at the same time.
I'm pretty frustrated. The doctor at the ER Saturday was nice, but it's so difficult to get anybody to understand that in 24 hours my asthma will be completely out of control and that I might be sick for weeks or months. I'm not being a hypochondriac. Really. I've been through this literally a hundred times before. And here I am again, sitting in the same pajamas I've been wearing since Saturday night. I'm scaring the children again with my periodic gasping for breath. Once in a while I get up and do one or two small chores. Have to take care of the pets, at least. A couple of the girls are feeling well enough to stagger up and do a couple of things, too.
This is ridiculous. If you look up 'out of control asthma' on the internet, you see a lot of advice on how to take your asthma seriously and not let it get out of control. But a peak flow meter is a joke for me. And Saturday, the doctor said my lungs were clear, even though I could tell it was coming--the shortness of breath, the occasional coughing spell--that's all I need to predict another long drawn-out attack.
I don't have allergies. I only get this when I get a cold or some kind of a sinus infection or the flu. And I know the instant I get the sniffles that I'm in serious danger. Here I am, sitting at the computer, working hard for every breath--I don't need a peak flow meter to tell me I'm in trouble. I can't breath well enough to carry on a conversation. I'd have to be in a persistent vegetative state not to know this is bad.
I take my inhaler dutifully, but I can't even take a deep breath, and if I do, I can't hold it. All I can do is try to take a deep breath, suck in the inhaler meds, and then let loose with another out-of-control coughing spasm. All of this means I don't get a good dose of medicine. A nebulizer doesn't really help, either.
What I need is for doctors to realize what trouble I'm getting into when I get sick. I should not be sitting here fighting for every single breath all day long, day after day. The advice not to let my asthma get out of control is useless. The doctors need advice--they need to be advised not to let this get out of control. Maybe there's nothing that can be done. But they could often try harder. At least some of this could be avoided.
I am tired of not being taken seriously. I am not a whiny hypochondriac. Well, today, I might be whiny, but I'm not a hypochondriac. If anything, I don't go to the doctor soon enough, because I'm afraid I won't be sick enough yet to be taken seriously if I do. And I'm usually right. I seriously despise going to doctors.
It's taken me years to admit to myself that I need to rest when I'm sick--even now, I still automatically push myself to keep going no matter what, so I won't get accused of having some kind of a psychological problem, or of just being plain lazy. I don't understand how I can be this sick and have it be my little secret.
It was a good thing to go to the ER this time before I got too sick to talk--I was able to interrupt the doctor a couple of times and say, look, I've been through this over and over again before--I get sent home from the ER two or three times, and then end up as an inpatient for several days. I have a long history of getting really sick. How can this medical history not be relevant when I go in to the doctor today?
I just want to be well.
They're probably going to prescribe me prednisone--probably eke it out 20mg at a time. I'm past the point of that doing much good now.
We've talked about getting somebody from my husband's church or the lodge or something to take me to the doctor. But the doctor is only open while my husband is at work--once again, who will keep an eye on the kids? We had this all worked out, so I would be able to go to the doctor, but we didn't count on everybody I know getting sick at the same time.
I'm pretty frustrated. The doctor at the ER Saturday was nice, but it's so difficult to get anybody to understand that in 24 hours my asthma will be completely out of control and that I might be sick for weeks or months. I'm not being a hypochondriac. Really. I've been through this literally a hundred times before. And here I am again, sitting in the same pajamas I've been wearing since Saturday night. I'm scaring the children again with my periodic gasping for breath. Once in a while I get up and do one or two small chores. Have to take care of the pets, at least. A couple of the girls are feeling well enough to stagger up and do a couple of things, too.
This is ridiculous. If you look up 'out of control asthma' on the internet, you see a lot of advice on how to take your asthma seriously and not let it get out of control. But a peak flow meter is a joke for me. And Saturday, the doctor said my lungs were clear, even though I could tell it was coming--the shortness of breath, the occasional coughing spell--that's all I need to predict another long drawn-out attack.
I don't have allergies. I only get this when I get a cold or some kind of a sinus infection or the flu. And I know the instant I get the sniffles that I'm in serious danger. Here I am, sitting at the computer, working hard for every breath--I don't need a peak flow meter to tell me I'm in trouble. I can't breath well enough to carry on a conversation. I'd have to be in a persistent vegetative state not to know this is bad.
I take my inhaler dutifully, but I can't even take a deep breath, and if I do, I can't hold it. All I can do is try to take a deep breath, suck in the inhaler meds, and then let loose with another out-of-control coughing spasm. All of this means I don't get a good dose of medicine. A nebulizer doesn't really help, either.
What I need is for doctors to realize what trouble I'm getting into when I get sick. I should not be sitting here fighting for every single breath all day long, day after day. The advice not to let my asthma get out of control is useless. The doctors need advice--they need to be advised not to let this get out of control. Maybe there's nothing that can be done. But they could often try harder. At least some of this could be avoided.
I am tired of not being taken seriously. I am not a whiny hypochondriac. Well, today, I might be whiny, but I'm not a hypochondriac. If anything, I don't go to the doctor soon enough, because I'm afraid I won't be sick enough yet to be taken seriously if I do. And I'm usually right. I seriously despise going to doctors.
It's taken me years to admit to myself that I need to rest when I'm sick--even now, I still automatically push myself to keep going no matter what, so I won't get accused of having some kind of a psychological problem, or of just being plain lazy. I don't understand how I can be this sick and have it be my little secret.
It was a good thing to go to the ER this time before I got too sick to talk--I was able to interrupt the doctor a couple of times and say, look, I've been through this over and over again before--I get sent home from the ER two or three times, and then end up as an inpatient for several days. I have a long history of getting really sick. How can this medical history not be relevant when I go in to the doctor today?
I just want to be well.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Whooo!
OK, I hate word bubble now. I'm going to have to play something else tomorrow.
Here's a video from what may be my favorite blog (besides mine, of course). I really liked this:
http://wwwwhitechinese.blogspot.com/2013/01/an-inspiring-video-to-wish-you-happy.html
'Night!
Oh, and here's my current desktop picture of the week award--from Aurora Borealis on fb. I have a slight thing for owls:
OK, I can't get it. Here's a link: http://picpost.mthai.com/pic/36329/610030.jpg .
And here's some more owls--what is it with owls and me this week?: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=525804844107562&set=a.343053705716011.80331.342503639104351&type=1&ref=nf
'Night for real!
Here's a video from what may be my favorite blog (besides mine, of course). I really liked this:
http://wwwwhitechinese.blogspot.com/2013/01/an-inspiring-video-to-wish-you-happy.html
'Night!
Oh, and here's my current desktop picture of the week award--from Aurora Borealis on fb. I have a slight thing for owls:
OK, I can't get it. Here's a link: http://picpost.mthai.com/pic/36329/610030.jpg .
And here's some more owls--what is it with owls and me this week?: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=525804844107562&set=a.343053705716011.80331.342503639104351&type=1&ref=nf
'Night for real!
Religion, Politics, Drugs, Sex, and Word Bubble
I've thought about posting this week, but with my family in town and all, I never got around to it until yesterday. Well, I'm still sick, so I might be posting a bit more in the near future. Hopefully not too much more, but the way it is with me, I may very well be sitting in this chair with this laptop until spring. Not trying to be pessimistic--that's just the way it often is with me. Last year I was sick for months You can read about it at www.debsisland.blogspot.com. I would if I were you, but then, I'm pretty bored right now.
We're watching 'The Adjustment Bureau' right now. Good movie, seen it before.
I'm worse than I was yesterday. Yesterday I was able to walk into the hospital ER. Today I'd need a wheelchair. My asthma is so bad I haven't been able to do anything except grab a quick breakfast and take my meds. I'm still in my pajamas. My husband took the now-only-remaining-healthy-kid to church this morning. I'll have to ask for lunch when they get back. Food isn't really looking appetizing right now, but I do want to do what I can to stay healthy. That reminds me, I haven't taken my vitamin this morning. It's off in a drawer along with my toothpaste and all those other things I usually use in the morning but haven't today.
Church, that reminds me....I'd given some serious thought to going back to my old blog (debsisland). I finally decided that I really don't give a d*** what anybody thinks. However, my kids are still going to church and having to deal with my in-laws and people in town, so I've decided to keep this the way it is. I'd rather not make waves for them. Odds are, nobody we know will actually find me here. Heck, even total strangers hardly ever find me here. :) I've already given my girls permission (in case they need it) to practice whatever religion they like (or no religion at all).
Church....I've been giving religion some thought lately. I haven't really accomplished anything. I'm not really sure what it is I expect to accomplish. I've studied a bit of Kabbalah, a bit of Wicca, read a lot of different books. I just bought a book on Tao. I haven't found anything that I really want to commit to. What I see is a whole lot of different groups of people giving God (or Goddess, or Gods, or whatever) a whole lot of different names. And then assuming that anybody who calls God a different name is wrong, and possibly even evil. Then they make up a whole lot of rules about how this God requires worship and tribute, and more rules about lots of things people shouldn't do because they might offend this God. And, of course, people in all sorts of desperate (or even not so desperate) situations beg their God for help. Sometimes they get help, sometimes they don't.
Meanwhile, while this God whose name we don't know is busy being worshipped and begged for things and plied with gifts, and possibly (depending on which name of God you subscribe to) meting out rewards and punishments, there is a whole lot of suffering going on.
The whole world is full of suffering. We're born, we get sick and hurt, we lose things and pets and people. One day we die. And the suffering seems to be divvied up pretty unfairly, and according to no particular rhyme or reason. 'Good' people get sick and die. 'Bad' people live long healthy lives. Sometimes I think God's not a very nice person. Of course, I wouldn't want to say that out loud--I might make him mad.
It's not too much to ask--all I want is the reason why we're all here, the meaning of life. The same thing billions of other people want. Reassurance that there is actually somebody (kind-hearted, hopefully) in control, a purpose for the suffering. Some kind of fairness when it's all said and done. I want to know that I have some kind of a soul, and that it will continue after my death. I want to know that some part of me will remember Chopin. I want to meet my first cat again. I want to keep my house on my little island. Of course, I'd rather not relive being sick again, and there are lots of other things I'd rather not spend eternity doing. Being burned in everlasting flames. Getting a root canal. Cleaning the litter box.
It seems to me that a lot of people are in a whole lot of denial. They wake up one morning and realize....'Hey, I'm going to suffer, sooner or later, unpredictably, possibly horribly, and eventually I'm going to lose everyone and everything I care about, and I'm not going to live forever, and I don't know what will happen after I die, and I don't even know what we're all doing here in the first place. So....I'll just go into denial, and I'll pretend I can control God's behavior with bribery, or begging, or flattery, or behaving well enough. I think I'll call God ______ and pretend he looks like ______. There. I feel better now.'
Some people try really hard to be good people while they're worshipping ______. Some of them apparently just pretend to worship ______ because the people around them are, and continue behaving just as they'd like. Maybe it never occurs to most people to give any real thought to their behavior and why they do the things they do, good or bad. After all, that's just going to mess up the denial.
In the absence of religion, there are plenty of other things we can distract ourselves with--food, drugs and alcohol, politics, sex, career, money, sports, Chopin--the list is endless. If you don't think these things are substitutes for religion, try telling somebody who only buys organic food that you're going to eat a twinkie. Or tell someone of either political party that you're a feminist who is against abortion. Violate somebody's expectations about who you'll have sex with. Be a stay-at-home mom without a career. Root for the other team.
Well, only-remaining-healthy-kid is home now, and she's sick. So is my mother. If my husband gets sick, it could all be up to me. I'm sure glad I watered and fed all the pets and hauled firewood before it got this bad.
I've prayed to God--I've prayed before. Begged and pleaded, quite sincerely. But I'm still sick. Can't really blame God for that, can I? Lots of people (of every denomination) get sick. Almost everybody in the room is sick right now. As if that makes it better--well, God isn't just angry at me, he's angry at everybody! And I could always be sicker. I should just be grateful it's not worse, right?
I think I'll go play some more Word Bubble now.
We're watching 'The Adjustment Bureau' right now. Good movie, seen it before.
I'm worse than I was yesterday. Yesterday I was able to walk into the hospital ER. Today I'd need a wheelchair. My asthma is so bad I haven't been able to do anything except grab a quick breakfast and take my meds. I'm still in my pajamas. My husband took the now-only-remaining-healthy-kid to church this morning. I'll have to ask for lunch when they get back. Food isn't really looking appetizing right now, but I do want to do what I can to stay healthy. That reminds me, I haven't taken my vitamin this morning. It's off in a drawer along with my toothpaste and all those other things I usually use in the morning but haven't today.
Church, that reminds me....I'd given some serious thought to going back to my old blog (debsisland). I finally decided that I really don't give a d*** what anybody thinks. However, my kids are still going to church and having to deal with my in-laws and people in town, so I've decided to keep this the way it is. I'd rather not make waves for them. Odds are, nobody we know will actually find me here. Heck, even total strangers hardly ever find me here. :) I've already given my girls permission (in case they need it) to practice whatever religion they like (or no religion at all).
Church....I've been giving religion some thought lately. I haven't really accomplished anything. I'm not really sure what it is I expect to accomplish. I've studied a bit of Kabbalah, a bit of Wicca, read a lot of different books. I just bought a book on Tao. I haven't found anything that I really want to commit to. What I see is a whole lot of different groups of people giving God (or Goddess, or Gods, or whatever) a whole lot of different names. And then assuming that anybody who calls God a different name is wrong, and possibly even evil. Then they make up a whole lot of rules about how this God requires worship and tribute, and more rules about lots of things people shouldn't do because they might offend this God. And, of course, people in all sorts of desperate (or even not so desperate) situations beg their God for help. Sometimes they get help, sometimes they don't.
Meanwhile, while this God whose name we don't know is busy being worshipped and begged for things and plied with gifts, and possibly (depending on which name of God you subscribe to) meting out rewards and punishments, there is a whole lot of suffering going on.
The whole world is full of suffering. We're born, we get sick and hurt, we lose things and pets and people. One day we die. And the suffering seems to be divvied up pretty unfairly, and according to no particular rhyme or reason. 'Good' people get sick and die. 'Bad' people live long healthy lives. Sometimes I think God's not a very nice person. Of course, I wouldn't want to say that out loud--I might make him mad.
It's not too much to ask--all I want is the reason why we're all here, the meaning of life. The same thing billions of other people want. Reassurance that there is actually somebody (kind-hearted, hopefully) in control, a purpose for the suffering. Some kind of fairness when it's all said and done. I want to know that I have some kind of a soul, and that it will continue after my death. I want to know that some part of me will remember Chopin. I want to meet my first cat again. I want to keep my house on my little island. Of course, I'd rather not relive being sick again, and there are lots of other things I'd rather not spend eternity doing. Being burned in everlasting flames. Getting a root canal. Cleaning the litter box.
It seems to me that a lot of people are in a whole lot of denial. They wake up one morning and realize....'Hey, I'm going to suffer, sooner or later, unpredictably, possibly horribly, and eventually I'm going to lose everyone and everything I care about, and I'm not going to live forever, and I don't know what will happen after I die, and I don't even know what we're all doing here in the first place. So....I'll just go into denial, and I'll pretend I can control God's behavior with bribery, or begging, or flattery, or behaving well enough. I think I'll call God ______ and pretend he looks like ______. There. I feel better now.'
Some people try really hard to be good people while they're worshipping ______. Some of them apparently just pretend to worship ______ because the people around them are, and continue behaving just as they'd like. Maybe it never occurs to most people to give any real thought to their behavior and why they do the things they do, good or bad. After all, that's just going to mess up the denial.
In the absence of religion, there are plenty of other things we can distract ourselves with--food, drugs and alcohol, politics, sex, career, money, sports, Chopin--the list is endless. If you don't think these things are substitutes for religion, try telling somebody who only buys organic food that you're going to eat a twinkie. Or tell someone of either political party that you're a feminist who is against abortion. Violate somebody's expectations about who you'll have sex with. Be a stay-at-home mom without a career. Root for the other team.
Well, only-remaining-healthy-kid is home now, and she's sick. So is my mother. If my husband gets sick, it could all be up to me. I'm sure glad I watered and fed all the pets and hauled firewood before it got this bad.
I've prayed to God--I've prayed before. Begged and pleaded, quite sincerely. But I'm still sick. Can't really blame God for that, can I? Lots of people (of every denomination) get sick. Almost everybody in the room is sick right now. As if that makes it better--well, God isn't just angry at me, he's angry at everybody! And I could always be sicker. I should just be grateful it's not worse, right?
I think I'll go play some more Word Bubble now.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Has Anybody Seen My Will to Live?
Well, it's been a little while since I've written. I've been kind of depressed lately. Stopped playing the piano, even--I really do know better than that. No wonder why I've been a bit down, though--my only friend suddenly up and leaving me, the ongoing Social Security nightmare, crappy weather that keeps me cooped up indoors a lot, and a couple of serious relationship problems with a couple of close people in my life. Sorry to disappoint you, but I probably won't be discussing anything all that personal in this public (hey, it's possible somebody could actually read it) forum. It's one thing for me to 'bare it all'--I won't be baring anybody else's soul, at least not without their permission. Suffice it to say--I do not like soap operas, and experiencing one in real life is even worse than watching one on TV.
Christmas really sucks when things aren't going well.
At least I got one Christmas wish--I stayed well enough to visit with my sister, niece, and brother-in-law this week. Until their last day. Maybe there is a God after all. We had a lot of fun. My niece and her cousins (my daughters) and I played a lot of hide and seek. Best places to hide--in the store room behind boxes (if you can be quiet even when they're convinced you'd have run out when they turned the lights out), and in a closet behind clothes, wearing black pants, with your feet behind a vacuum cleaner. And I got to spend a lot of time hanging out with some of my favorite people. We got to eat out a lot (and I haven't even gained weight over the holidays). And there were even presents--clothes and jewelry and books and gift cards and cash, puzzles and games. And there was fudge and cookies.
Wednesday morning on the way in I stopped at the dollar store for my week-and-a-half-late every-other-week shopping. Then Thursday morning I went to the grocery store. A couple of kids complained--they were already a bit overwhelmed by this week. But I do like to stay stocked up, just in case....
(bit of foreshadowing here in case you missed it)
And then Friday I got really tired. I kept trying to play hide and seek--it was my last day to spend with my niece, after all. I went to Wal-Mart with my daughters and sister. By the time we went out to eat, I felt like crap. I am at a point in my life where I can't decide whether to try to keep up the pretense that I'm not really sick, or insist that I am so sick and that people take me seriously, damn it. So I drank four Mountain Dews, and then I was able to function. My 13yo wasn't so lucky--she hadn't even eaten anything since breakfast and just laid around on the couch all day.
We drove home after dinner. The roads were hideous--snow was drifting everywhere. Somehow we made it--my husband driving one vehicle and me driving the other. Someone was even stuck in front of our little island.
It was dark outside, and I found myself taking turns (so I wouldn't screw up my back) doing chores and bringing in firewood until bedtime. I hadn't slept well the night before, and I didn't sleep well last night, either. Because I was busy getting sicker.
So this morning (after another round of chores on my part, as well as providing each and every single pet with fresh water and plenty of food in case I got even sicker) my husband took me and my 13yo to the ER. Turns out we have the flu. But I'm never content to just get the flu. I've never just had anything in my entire life. So I am also the proud owner of a double sinus infection, and bit of a double ear infection, and asthma.
Fortunately, the doctor was pretty cool, and I was still healthy enough to advocate for myself. My daughter and I got to share an ER room. We even got matching bracelets. I keep telling her we're a lot alike. She somehow fails to appreciate this.
Now I've got antibiotics, and an inhaler (which seems to be working a little bit, probably because I didn't wait as long as I normally would to get help (because doctors often like to tell me I'm not sick enough yet when I show up)), and two nasal sprays. On the way out the door attendant told me to have a good day, and I said, 'probably not'. I still have my sense of humor. All is not lost.
My husband said something about lunch out while we waited for prescriptions, but my daughter and I wanted to stay in the car. And then it dawned on me.
Nobody with the flu would want to eat out. I have played hide and seek, shopped, eaten out, done chores, hauled wood, and taken care of pets--with the flu, a double sinus/ear infection, and asthma. I'm so used to keeping going no matter what, I have no concept of what it's like for a normal person to get sick.
And then we finally got home, and....another man down (rather, a woman)--my 16yo has it, too. When I walked in, I sort of collapsed. I am done.
The twins will be cooking dinner tonight. I've always told the girls that if everybody gets sick, whoever's left will be responsible for everything. This is their golden opportunity to shine. I'm glad I got the shopping done and tried to keep up the chores this week in spite of being gone most of every day.
Maybe this will give me plenty of time towhine blog.
Christmas really sucks when things aren't going well.
At least I got one Christmas wish--I stayed well enough to visit with my sister, niece, and brother-in-law this week. Until their last day. Maybe there is a God after all. We had a lot of fun. My niece and her cousins (my daughters) and I played a lot of hide and seek. Best places to hide--in the store room behind boxes (if you can be quiet even when they're convinced you'd have run out when they turned the lights out), and in a closet behind clothes, wearing black pants, with your feet behind a vacuum cleaner. And I got to spend a lot of time hanging out with some of my favorite people. We got to eat out a lot (and I haven't even gained weight over the holidays). And there were even presents--clothes and jewelry and books and gift cards and cash, puzzles and games. And there was fudge and cookies.
Wednesday morning on the way in I stopped at the dollar store for my week-and-a-half-late every-other-week shopping. Then Thursday morning I went to the grocery store. A couple of kids complained--they were already a bit overwhelmed by this week. But I do like to stay stocked up, just in case....
(bit of foreshadowing here in case you missed it)
And then Friday I got really tired. I kept trying to play hide and seek--it was my last day to spend with my niece, after all. I went to Wal-Mart with my daughters and sister. By the time we went out to eat, I felt like crap. I am at a point in my life where I can't decide whether to try to keep up the pretense that I'm not really sick, or insist that I am so sick and that people take me seriously, damn it. So I drank four Mountain Dews, and then I was able to function. My 13yo wasn't so lucky--she hadn't even eaten anything since breakfast and just laid around on the couch all day.
We drove home after dinner. The roads were hideous--snow was drifting everywhere. Somehow we made it--my husband driving one vehicle and me driving the other. Someone was even stuck in front of our little island.
It was dark outside, and I found myself taking turns (so I wouldn't screw up my back) doing chores and bringing in firewood until bedtime. I hadn't slept well the night before, and I didn't sleep well last night, either. Because I was busy getting sicker.
So this morning (after another round of chores on my part, as well as providing each and every single pet with fresh water and plenty of food in case I got even sicker) my husband took me and my 13yo to the ER. Turns out we have the flu. But I'm never content to just get the flu. I've never just had anything in my entire life. So I am also the proud owner of a double sinus infection, and bit of a double ear infection, and asthma.
Fortunately, the doctor was pretty cool, and I was still healthy enough to advocate for myself. My daughter and I got to share an ER room. We even got matching bracelets. I keep telling her we're a lot alike. She somehow fails to appreciate this.
Now I've got antibiotics, and an inhaler (which seems to be working a little bit, probably because I didn't wait as long as I normally would to get help (because doctors often like to tell me I'm not sick enough yet when I show up)), and two nasal sprays. On the way out the door attendant told me to have a good day, and I said, 'probably not'. I still have my sense of humor. All is not lost.
My husband said something about lunch out while we waited for prescriptions, but my daughter and I wanted to stay in the car. And then it dawned on me.
Nobody with the flu would want to eat out. I have played hide and seek, shopped, eaten out, done chores, hauled wood, and taken care of pets--with the flu, a double sinus/ear infection, and asthma. I'm so used to keeping going no matter what, I have no concept of what it's like for a normal person to get sick.
And then we finally got home, and....another man down (rather, a woman)--my 16yo has it, too. When I walked in, I sort of collapsed. I am done.
The twins will be cooking dinner tonight. I've always told the girls that if everybody gets sick, whoever's left will be responsible for everything. This is their golden opportunity to shine. I'm glad I got the shopping done and tried to keep up the chores this week in spite of being gone most of every day.
Maybe this will give me plenty of time to
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